On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Washington advises him: "Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did." This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Jefferson replies, "Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart," Jefferson advises. Bush isn't sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I'll get some advice that I can use. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: "Go see a play." ---------------------------------- The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine." --------------------------------------- shlykshtus sexistiniai: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Call her. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the b*tch cook in the dark. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went. Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?! Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet. How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck. -------------------------------------- A Hindu, a Rabbi and a lawyer were out driving in the country late one night when their car broke down. Setting out on foot to find help, they came upon a farmhouse and explained their problem to the farmer. The farmer said they could spend the night but, since he only had two beds, one of them would have to sleep in the barn. The Rabbi agreed to sleep in the barn and allow the other two to have the beds. Minutes after the Rabbi left for the barn, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi burst into the bedroom and exclaimed, "I cannot sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there! It is against my religious beliefs to sleep in the same room as a pig." The Hindu agreed that he would sleep in the barn, since he had no religious problems with pigs. A few minutes later, the Hindu came bursting into the bedroom and said, "I cannot sleep in the barn. There is a cow in there! Sleeping in the same room as a cow is against my religious beliefs." The lawyer, desperate to get some sleep, said he would sleep in the barn since he had no problem sleeping with animals. Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow ran in... ---------------------------------- -- ___________ ©Toxis