Due to the Credit Crunch our company has brought in some new rules :-


   NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE JANUARY 27, 2009


   Dress Code:


   1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.


   2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci 
bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need 
a raise.


   3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so 
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.


   4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and 
therefore you do not need a raise.


   Sick Days:
   We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If 
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


   Personal Days:
   Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called 
Saturdays & Sundays.


   Bereavement Leave:
   This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead 
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have 
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases 
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in 
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch 
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


   Bathroom Breaks:
   Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a 
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, 
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will 
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture 
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' 
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the 
company's mental health policy.


   Lunch Breaks:
   * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so 
that they can look healthy.


   * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to 
maintain their average figure.


   * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time 
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


   Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a 
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, 
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, 
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be 
directed elsewhere