Hello, my name is Lucius and I am probably the best courier in the world. If you have a box and you want it to go somewhere, I will come and get it and take it there instead of you having to do it yourself. You have to pay me to do it but it saves you time so it is worth it.

It doesn't matter what kind of box, once I delivered a box full of bolts which was really heavy. I am very strong though. They were saying "Wow, that box looks heavy" and I replied "No, it's light for me."

Pickup & Delivery Log


8.30am

The first pick up and delivery of the day is always the best. When I am driving to collect the first box of the day, I try to guess what colour it will be and what will be in it. If the tape on the box is the kind you can lift and put back, I have a look. Sometimes there is food in there. I don't eat it though as that would be against the Courier Code. Once, there was a whole box of sandwiches to be delivered to a work function and they wouldn't have noticed if I had eaten one but I didn't. I took a little bit out of each one but that is allowed.


9.45am

YES! It was a brown box! I knew it would be a brown box. I have definitely got psychotic powers. I have guessed the box would be brown eight hundred and forty times in a row which proves my powers are probably the most powerful in the world. I have to keep my powers a secret though as the government would want to control someone as powerful as I probably am. I would have to live my life on the run, never settling down in one place for long. The government would probably hunt me down and fiifty of them would point their guns at me and I would concentrate and the guns would float up in the air or turn into sticks and the men would say "He is more powerful than we thought possible." I pulled up around the corner to have a look inside the box but it was just books which was dissapointing.


10.30am

I delivered the box and the girl in the front foyer signed and printed her name. Her name is Kate and I could tell by the sexy way she signed that she thought I was one of the top five best lookingest guys in Adelaide and wished I was her boyfriend. I was telling her about my psychotic powers and was going to ask her out but she said she was really busy and had to get back to work. I will see her again later today though as they are a regular client. I will write her a poem in my lunch break. On the way out the door I took a couple of photos of her on my camera phone. She looks a bit surprised in the first photo and blurry in the second as she was getting out of her chair as the door closed. I will use the flash next time. It is somewhere in settings. When anyone has a problem with their phone they always get me to fix it because I am like a computer genius. I am probably the biggest computer genius in the world, I just can't be bothered learning all that stuff.


11.15am

Stuck in traffic on my way to the next box pickup. I feel it might be brown. I like to listen to music while I am waiting and have all the best albums recorded onto TDK Cassette including Arrival, Super Trouper and Warterloo. When I make the final payment on my delivery van in fourteen years, I am going to have a CD Player installed. I saw them at k-mart for only $49.95 so am saving for one. When I am waiting in traffic I turn the music up as loud as it will go and all the rattles in the van vibrate along to it and it is like my van is dancing. Sometimes I become lost in the beat and imagine that I am Paula Abdul dancing with the cartoon cat on the stairs in that music clip where she dances with the cartoon cat on the stairs. I am also probably one of the best singers in the world and when my friend Jedd is in the van I say to him " make me that beat already, so I can destroy it, with my unstoppable flows" and he does.


12.45pm

Eight hundred and forty one! It is a big box too. Priority pickup from one hospital to another. I should not have looked inside that one. I will deliver it after I finish my lunch break and sponge wash. I always keep a wet sponge in the back and I park the van, undress and sponge myself down so that I am clean and refreshed for the rest of the day. I stopped off at Target and bought cologne and a suit, I am going to wear it for Kate. I have also written her a poem:

Kate by Lucius

I delivered you a box today
It was brown with clear tape wrapped around it.
I am in the back of my van looking at photos of you
Imagining you opening the box
Wondering what is in it because I didn't look.
The tape was like that when I picked it up.


3.20pm

I have just left the hospital, they were quite rude. A nurse said that she was going to ring my boss and I told her "He might be the boss of me but I am the boss of my life" which was obviously to philosophical for her because she just stood there looking at me. She was completely porned. If I was a transformer she would be so sorry. I took a whole bunch of latex gloves while she was not looking and am on my way to pick up a box to be delivered to the company that Kate works for. I have a strong feeling that this box will be brown and I will drive really fast to get it to her quickly so she sees how professional and efficient I am. I am probably the best driver in the world and if I was a racing car driver I would be world champion.


3.50pm

Eight hundred and forty two! I had to climb six flights of stairs to collect the box but I am very fit and athletic as I own a trampoline and do four hours of air running a night. Air running is where you jump really high then run as fast as you can in the air. It is very good for the vascular system and often my neighbours will come out to watch me. If it was a team sport I would be captain. I am on my way to deliver the box to Kate. I can't wait to see her and I bet she is as excited as I am. I have changed into my suit and put on cologne. I will stand very close to her so that she can smell it. I have cleaned the van up a little bit as I will ask her to come for a ride. Also, I read somewhere that girls like it when you ask them about themselves so in addition to the poem, I have compiled a list of questions for her to fill out about where she lives and what she does.


5.10pm

I am on my way back to the depot as my boss rang and said he needs to see me immediately. Probably to give me a raise or promotion. I delivered the box and Kate absolutely loved her poem, I read it out to her and she was speechless. There were tears in her eyes and she was shaking so I could tell she was overcome with emotion. She couldn't come for a ride in my van because she had a dentist appointment but I could tell she wanted to. She asked me my full name and then repeated it to someone on the phone so I know she feels the same way I do if she is telling her friends about our love. I will buy her lunch tomorrow and surprise her by taking it in and eating it there with her. I will say "Special delivery" and when she asks what it is I will say "Me. And a subway footlong."

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