(847):
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't 
stop me.

(1-847):
How was it?

(847):
Fantastic, but that's not the point.

--------

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the 
titantic is syncing.'

----

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and 
kept fucking me. i think im in love

----

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was 
ordering take out from heaven.

----

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his 
students are taking a test

----

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it 
was a book signing.

----

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my 
nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

----

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's 
little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) 
smithy's little sis digs anal.

----

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. 
explanation?

(1-508):
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

---

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. 
Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

---

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of 
going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303):
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

---

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would 
freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this 
hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740):
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

----

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

----

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got 
his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

----

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503):
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you 
and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971):
damnit I wish I could remember that.

--------

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to 
a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

---

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously 
walked over and hugged him.

---

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking 
up the beatles

---

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931):
Wtf? What happened?

(931):
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me 
home.

----

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205):
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you 
plays pranks on hungover you.

(205):
This explains so much.

----

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my 
closet, saluted us and walked out.

----

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on 
the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. 
lolz

---

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it 
as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff 
meeting this morning.

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©Toxis