A Criminal - unsavory character A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged Abortion - Near-Life Experience Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist Alive - temporarily metabolically abled. An Immigrant - a newcomer Assassination - involuntary term limitation Bald - comb-free Bald - folically independent Bald - follicularly challenged. Battle Fatigued - shellshocked Blind - optically darker Blind - photonically non-receptive Blind - visually challenged Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance. Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family Bum - Displaced Homeowner Bum - Homeless Person Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining Censorship - Selective Speech Cheating - Academic Dishonesty China - Porcelain Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged Clumsy - uniquely coordinated Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced Cowardly - Challenge Challenged Cowboys - bovine control officers Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist Crime Rate - street activity index Dead - Actuarially Mature Dead - biologically challenged Dead - environmentally correct human Dead - living impaired Dead - metabolically challenged Dead - persons living with entropy Deaf - Visually Oriented Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer Dishonest - Ethically disoriented. Dorm - Residence Hall Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor Drowning - aquatically challenged Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Drunk - spacially perplexed Drunk / Junkie - in recovery Earthquake - geological correction Fail - achieve a deficiency. Fat - Differently Weighted Fat - gravitationally challenged Fat - horizontally challenged. Fat - horizontally gifted Fat - People of Mass Fat - person of substance Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged Freshman - first-year student Frog - amphibian American Full of Crap - fecally plenary Gang - Youth Group Garbage Man - sanitation engineer Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable Having PMS - cyclically challenged Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers Homeless - residentially flexible Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living Housebroken - Family Disfunction Housewife - domestic engineer Hunter - Animal Assassin Hunter - Bambi Butcher Hunter - Meat Mercenary Ignorant - factually unencumbered Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor. Incompetent - Differently Qualified Incompetent - Specially Skilled Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient Insane People - Mental Explorers Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Insult - Emotional Rape Janitor - sanitation engineer Klutz - kinesthetically challenged Large Nose - nasally gifted Lazy - motivationally dispossessed Lazy - motivationally deficient. Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Library - Educational Resource Center Logger - Wood Weasel Logger - Paper Pirate Logger -Treeslayer Loser - Second Place Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path Man-hole - maintenance hole Mankind - humankind MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery Messy - differently organized Meter Maid - Parking enforcer Midget / Dwarf - Little People Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged - Off - energy-efficient Old - chronologically gifted Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding. Paper Bag - processed tree carcass Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional. Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose Po' - financially inept Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer Poor - economically marginalized Poor - Economically Unprepared Poor - monetarily challenged Postman - letter carrier Pregnant - parasitically oppressed. Prisoner - client of the correctional system Prostitute - sex care provider Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy Psychopath - socially misaligned Racist - genetically discriminating Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged Redneck - person of region Redneck - rustically inclined Refugees - asylum seekers Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form Rudeness - Tact Avoidance Runny Nose - nasally gifted Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs. Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist Short - vertically challenged Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled Slum - Economic Oppression Zone Slut - suffering from a sex addiction (female) Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped Spendthrift - negative saver. Stained - creatively re-dyed Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced. Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male) Stupid - differently-brained Stupid - intellectually impaired The Elderly - Senior citizens Thin - horizontally challenged Thirsty - osmotically challenged Tone Deaf - musically delayed Too old/young - other aged Too Tall - people of height Tree-Hugger - environmental activist Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units Ugly - aesthetically challenged Ugly - Cosmetically different. Ugly - facially challenged Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured. Used Books - Recycled Books Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual. Vegetable - noble unconscious hero Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World Vocal Minority - target equity group Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices Waiter, Waitress - food server War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged Whaler - Blubber Lover White - melanin-impoverished White American - racially challenged White Boy - rhythmically challenged White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged Wife - unpaid sex slave Worst - least best. Wrong - differently logical. Politically Correct Terms For Females: Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold. She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic. She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal. She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased. She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus. She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible. She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive. She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled. She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over. She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located. She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent. She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction. She does not shop too much, she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys. She does not snore, she is nasally repetitive. She does not sun bathe, she experiences solar enhancement. She does not wear too much makeup, she is cosmetically oversaturated. She does not work out too much, she is an abdominal overachiever. She does not: Get Drunk, She becomes Verbally Dyslexic She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible. She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged. She is not A Gossip, She is a Verbal Terminator She is not a gossip, she is a verbal terminator. She is not a Perfect 10, she is numerically superior. She is not cold or frigid, she is thermally incompatible. She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible. She is not hooked on soap operas, she is melodramatically fixated. She is not too skinny, she is skeletally prominent. She will never gain weight, she will become a metabolic underachiever. You do not ask her to dance, you request a precoital rhythmic experience. Politically Correct Terms For Males: He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression You do not: Buy him a drink You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange He does not: Fart and belch He is: Gastronomically expressive His jeans are not: Too tight He is: Anatomically under circulated He is not a: Redneck He is a: Genetically-related American You do not: Kiss him You become: Facially conjoined He is not a: Cradle robber He prefers: Generationally differential relationships He does not get: Falling down drunk He becomes: Accidentally horizontal He does not: Act like a total jerk He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion He is not: Short He is: Anatomically compact He does not have a: Rich daddy He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion He does not: Constantly talk about cars He has a: Vehicular addiction He does not have a: Hot body He is: Physically combustible Politically Correct Phrases For Students: No one fails a class any more, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Kids don't get grounded any more. They merely "hit social speed bumps." Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." Politically Correct Terms For Cat Owners: My cat does not barf hairballs he is a floor/rug redecorator My cat does not break things she helps gravity do its job My cat does not fear dogs they are merely sprint practice tools My cat does not gobble she eats with alacrity My cat does not scratch he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator My cat does not yowl he is singing off-key My cat is not a "shedding machine" she is a hair relocation stylist My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile" she enjoys the proximity of food My cat is not a bed hog he is a mattress appreciator My cat is not a chatterbox she is advising me on what to do next My cat is not a dope addict she is catnip appreciative My cat is not a lap fungus he is bed selective My cat is not a pest she is attention deprived My cat is not a ruthless hunter she is a wildlife control expert My cat is not evil she is badness enhanced My cat is not fat he is mass enhanced My cat is not hydrophobic she has an inability to appreciate moisture My cat is not lazy he is motivationally challenged My cat is not underfoot she is leading me to my next destination (the food dish!) 'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas: 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays! Politically Correct Seasons Greetings: Christmas Thoughts Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year _______, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. - DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTABILITY - (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)