More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all
I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can
tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly
involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized
that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are
supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back
in the direction from which you came, you have to first do
something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and 
mutter
to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a
keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I
will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and
it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did
we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message
boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it
actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up
wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just
a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still
the only one who really, really gets it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each
hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm
trying to finish a text.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have
nothing else to say".

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street
smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road
and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.
Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get
in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing
anything productive for the rest of the day.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure
you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and
it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper
that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash
this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of
people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally
for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly
certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?
-- 
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©Toxis