Visi jau matėm, bet prisiminti visgi smagu, tad šiek tiek tekstų: I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move. Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers you cock!" I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats". British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza. There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault? Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other. I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries. My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian... My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction". Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes. A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest." When someone close to you dies, move seats. I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it. I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy. In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything. Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros. My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks. If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister. I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt. I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike. When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. I grew up in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now. My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky." Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation. When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church. A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done." Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" -- Photoblog: http://www.enyu.lt