Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fuck. Fuck who? No, “fuck whom?” ---------------- Two mathematicians are in a local diner, arguing. The first mathematician is complaining that the average citizen knows *nothing* about math, people are idiots who don’t even know how to balance their checkbooks these days, and the world is generally going to hell in a handbasket. The second mathematician is objecting, telling his friend that the situation isn’t that bad, and warning him not to underestimate the average citizen’s mathematical knowledge. After much argument, the first mathematician staggers off to the restroom. The second mathematician calls the tired-looking waitress over. “Yeah, hun?” He hands her $20. “I’d like to play a little joke on my friend when he gets back. I’m going to ask you a question. When you answer, I want you to answer, ‘X squared.’ Can you do that for me?” “Sure, hun, whatever.” After a few minutes, the first mathematician returns and sits down. The second mathematician says, “Look, I’ll *show* you that the average citizen knows more about math than you think they do.” He waves the waitress over. “Yeah, hun, what can do for ya?” “I just have a simple question for you, ma’am. Can you tell me what the answer to the integral of 2x dx is?” The waitress scrunches up her face. “Sure, hun, thats… X squared.” The second mathematician leans back in his chair, looks at his friend, and smiles smugly. Then the waitress calls over her shoulder, “Plus a constant.” ---------------------- How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the giraffe and another to fill the wheel barrow with brightly colour machine tools. What is the similarity between a monkey and a bicycle? The both have wheels expect for the monkey. -------------------- Ronald Reagan, Michael Gorbatsjov and Margaret Thatcher appear before God. God to Reagan: “Son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?” Reagan: “I brought the Evil Empire to its knees, freed millions of people from communism and ended the Cold War.” God: “Very good my son, come sit by my right side.” God to Gorbatsjov: “And you son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?” Gorbatsjov: “I introduced perestroijka and glasnost, and guided the Soviet Union away from communism while avoiding armed revolution and bloodshed.” God: “Very good my son, come sit by my left side.” Next, God turns to Thatcher and says: “And you sister, what have you done?” Thatcher replies (high-pitched voice, English accent): “In the first place, I am not your sister, and in the second, get out of my chair!” ------------------ Q: How do you get a history major off your porch? A: Pay for the pizza. ------------------ Two nuns are riding bicycles down an unfamiliar road. One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The second nun says, “It must be the cobblestones.” ------------------ -“How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” -“I don’t know, how many?” -“Let’s ride bikes!” -- ___________ ©Toxis